convertions

1. Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations = 1 decoration

23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
Hospital = 1 IV League

Exercise and aging

Exercise and aging

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I’m doing..

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they’ll say, ‘Well, she looks good doesn’t she.’

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,…… just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

“Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave,
“I look just fine.”

hot?

ow Hot is it?

* the birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

* the potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

* farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

* the cows are giving evaporated milk.

* the trees are whistling for the dogs.

* you no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.

* you eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.

* you can make instant sun tea.

* you learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

* the temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.

* you’ve experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

* you would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.

* you can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.

* you discover that in August, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.

* you discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.

* you notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

* hot water now comes out of both taps.

* it’s noon in August, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.

* you actually burn your hand opening the car door.

* you break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.

* no one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.

* your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?”

* you realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

iraq

banana life cycle

tips

i've had an accident

“A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.”

“The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.”

“I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.”

“Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.”

“I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it.”

“No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert.”

“The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.”

“I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.”

“I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.”

“I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end, and there was a crash.”

“I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place where it had been struck several times before.”

“The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.”

“The accident happened when the right door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal.”

“I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.”

“I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up, obscuring my vision.”

“I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.”

“I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.”

“I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.”

“My wench slipped, losing my balance, and I hurt my back.”

“I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.”

“To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.”

“The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.”

“When I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.”

“I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.”

“In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”

“My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.”

“As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.”

“The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.”

“A truck backed though my windshield and into my wife’s face.”

“I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.”

“The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.”

“An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished.”

lego, good times...

facts?

• More people die a year by coconuts falling on their heads than by shark attacks.
• Male angler fish latch onto females and slowly deteriorate into nothing more than a pair of balls so that the female angler fish can have fresh semen whenever she needs to reproduce.
• The moon rises 50 minutes later each day. That’s why it’s up during they day sometimes.
• A sunset is usually more brilliant than a sunrise because of the dust that’s kicked up by the sun heating the ground, creating thermals. The dust then refracts the light and creates colors in the sky.
• some south african frogs are known to change sex in a one sex environment
• A Piece of ivory can be shaped and molded once it has been soaked for a few hours in a mild acid like vinegar or beer.
• dill pickles light up when charged with an electrical current.
• “Light years” are only, actually, “years” relative to the speed of the observer (us here on Earth). Not because of the 365 day cycle of the earth we call a year, but because we’re moving at such a slower speed than light that we perceive time incredibly differently.
• Cats purr at a frequency of 27-44 Hz. This is approximately that of a diesel engine.
• A male calico cat is very rare.
• Futura was the first font on the moon.
• mules can’t reproduce
• Sharks die if you drag them backwards.
• Every single living thing on this planet with an ass and a mouth forms the asshole first in early development.
• starfish have no brains.
• Your nails are made of keratin.

look a like

Groaners

Groaners

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur ’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, “You stay here; I’ll go on ahead.”

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: “Keep off the Grass.”

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, “No change yet.”

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

20. A backward poet writes inverse.

21. In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

23. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.